I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
