The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
