I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
