I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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