my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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