i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
