Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
