If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
