Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
