that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
