i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
