All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
