how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
