I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
