i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
