I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
