i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
