I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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