I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
