the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think people are normalizing furries
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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