Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
