You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
