I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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