im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
