I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
