there's paper in my vomit.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i think i just lost a toe
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
