You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
