I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
