woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
