I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
