How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
