i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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