youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
