Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
