Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
