I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
