I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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