He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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