I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
