My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
