Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
