He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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