I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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