Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can text with my tongue
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
