You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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