Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
