I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
