she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
not ubering you a puppy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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