Sry I called you an 8
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
