My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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