if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
