Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
